i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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