either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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