did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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