his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
