call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
