if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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