either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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