Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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