according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
