I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
