I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
