if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
