Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
