and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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