I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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