I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm jealous of your bromance
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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