I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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