The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
