i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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