I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
