Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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