true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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