So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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