when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
