I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
cat food counts as protein by the way
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
