cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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