he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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