I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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