Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
