Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
