I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize