She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
