Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
