Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
