Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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