Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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