so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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