i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
