I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
