you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize