Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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