youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
