Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
