stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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