Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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