It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
