Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
