my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
