I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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