he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
