I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
