I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
